Not All Scars Heal
by MireliAmbar
Summary: Merrill is badly injured and meets someone in the Fade she has not seen in many years. Meanwhile Eva Hawke is forced to consider her feelings for the elven mage. Originally written for the 'Dragon Age Reverse Big Bang' in 2014. Rated T for language.
**Originally posted for Tumblr's 'Reverse Dragon Age Big Bang' from 2014.**

" _Bodahn!_ Go and get Anders! Tell him that Merrill is seriously ill!" The mix of grime and blood came off Eva Hawke's forehead as she wiped her brow.

"Yes, Messere!" The dwarf was out the door before the Champion could add any further instructions. Fenris, Sebastian and Hawke between them put her into Mother's old room. Oriana had kept it clean but had been under strict orders not to move anything. Normally Hawke would have turned away at the door but Merrill needed the room more than Hawke needed thoughts of her dead mother to plague her. Besides, Leandra had liked the amusing, naïve yet not naïve Dalish, the few times they had met.

Not for the first time, she wished that Bethany had been with them, a stab of guilt as her first letter from her sister in the Grey Wardens still plagued her. She just wanted Bethy kept safe – instead her sister was tainted and left with no choice if she wanted to live. Just like she wanted Merrill 'kept safe'. _Fuck!_ The smell of the spell gone wrong, the way it had bounced back and hit her, turning the Champion's stomach with anxiety. A walking bomb spell too. If she lived, Eva would make Merrill promise her that she would never use that bloody spell again. On _anyone._

As Sebastian lay the slight elf down on the bed, Hawke sat down next to her. Merrill was just as unconscious as she had been all the way back from the Wounded Coast. Between her and Sebastian, they had managed to keep her alive, relieved she had asked Anders for some training in nursing care. Eva had no mage spells but the least she could do was to keep her wounds clean, stop the skin from sticking to any clothes, using the last of their potions up along the way. Merrill was worth it.

Oriana bought up a bowl of warm water and a towel and Fenris nodded his thanks at Oriana, seeing Hawke's lack of response. He knew by now this angry woman would be blaming herself, just like she seemed to want to hold herself responsible for every death in her family. "Hawke, go and change out of your armour. We'll look after her." He touched her shoulder. "Go change and wash." She looked up at him, her blue eyes steely with stubbornness. Looking as if she was about to say no, he held her gaze. She was not the only tenacious person in the party and a moment later, Hawke rubbed her red-rimmed eyes and sighed. "Fine. But tell me as soon as Anders appears."

* * *

"You did _what?"_

Anders voice was almost shrill with anger as he looked over his prone fellow mage, his voice hissing at Eva stood on the other side of Merrill.

"We went to find some herbalist items for Solivitus in the Gallows." It had sounded like a good idea at the time, thought Hawke, now washed and changed into her house clothes and back in her mother's room.

"And you didn't think to take a _healer_ to the Wounded Coast, famous home of bandits and mercenaries and oh, let's see, _Tal-Vashoth_?" His voice was harsh and Sebastian cleared his throat as if going to cut in, to protect Hawke from Anders sarcastic tones. But Eva did not give him chance.

"Well seeing as we no longer have Bethany to rely on and you're too damn busy in your clinic every hour of the day and night, I thought it was a waste of your time to drag you out for something as slight as this." At Eva's words, Anders crossed his arms and rubbed his forehead before looking down at his patient.

"Some of these burns on her hands, arms and across her chest will leave permanent scarring. _This_ is what happens when two spells rebound!" Eva growled at his words and dragged him out of the room, the man luckily not healing at that moment.

Eva hissed and prodded his chest hard with her fingers. "I had two mages in the family, don't you think I know that?" It was one of the first things that Malcolm had drilled into Bethany when she developed her mage skills. "Just because _you_ -" _prod_ "had a hissy fit" _prod_ " about not coming with us, I don't need you to blame me, I already blame myself enough as it is!"

Anders blinked but backed off into the room again as Eva stalked off into her room. He breathed out as he realised he had been a target of the infamous Hawke temper.

* * *

The putrid smell of ancient tombs, of nature fighting its way into the long forgotten space under the earth was the first thing that Merrill noticed before anything else. The dust layers, the aroma of spiders and cobwebs and skeletons laid on the floor… Merrill fought to open her eyes, aware she was pinned down by the shoulders and chest. Her breathing increased as she hated being pinned in place. Sure enough, panic flooded her mind and she had to force herself to control her breathing.

Her eyes gradually opened and she looked around. Merrill remembered where this was - The Ruins that Tamlen disappeared in. Glancing about her, she saw the Eluvian, the mirror that was in her house in Kirkwall, damaged. Here it seemed to be complete. The Dalish woman tried to move and it was then she saw the thorns and the vines wrapped round her arms and shoulders, blood tracing over her arms, dripping down her pale skin. _"No!"_ Her voice sounded weak from disuse. That was when she wondered how long she had been here for. Last thing she knew, they were on the Wounded Coast. They hadn't somehow found their way into the cave had they? No, that wasn't possible. Besides they had moved across the sea to the Free Marches after Lyna left with the Warden Duncan. There was no way they could have found the same set of ruins from two different countries - was there?

That was when she noticed the light coming from the Eluvian. It was the way that Lyna described it. When Tamlen put his hand through, as if something inside the mirror was causing it to shine from within rather than reflect. Merrill's eyes went wide and bit her lower lip as a light filled the room. She tried to cover her eyes before remembering her hands were tied down. Whatever it was, it seemed they were determined step into the room. Suddenly, she wished for Eva, for Hawke, who always fought for her, always stood up for her even if her beliefs about the Eluvian had caused fights and bad feelings with the others in the group. Fenris and Anders could not seem to see past her choices, her blood magic. _Like the others in the clan._

All thoughts of clan and friends were put to one side as she saw a blond elven man step through the mirror. This man had sore rimmed eyes and black blue lines that made their way through his veins, blue shadowed lips. _Tainted_. Hawke had once told her how they had first met Aveline, her husband at the time, Wesley apparently looking very similar. Yet this man stepped out of the mirror and did not seem to be afflicted by the taint that the darkspawn held.

"Who are you?" Her voice wobbled and she wished not for the first time her magic was available to defend herself.

The man gave her a smirk. " _Aneth ara_ , Merrill."

Her eyes widened as realisation sank in.

" _Tamlen?"_

* * *

" _Shit!"_ Anders swore as he tried to heal the mage. Even unconscious it seemed the elven woman was rejecting his help, flailing as he tried desperately to heal her. "Hold her, she seems to be trying to fight something or someone in the Fade." Sebastian held her arms to her waist as her magic stuttered on her injured hands, the blue light lighting up the room. Anders quickly uncorked a potion of lyrium and drank the potion all in one go.

"Maker's breath, Fenris. Get Hawke, she needs to know." Anders gave the broody elf an order that normally he would have rejected but this could go wrong if her magic was used against them. They all knew that.

Eva crashed in through the door a minute or so later, looking and smelling as if she had been drinking, her cohort Isabela in tow, both having been sat in the study. Isabela had heard a rumour that Merrill was ill and went to see what had happened. That was when she saw a dejected Hawke, deep into her cups on Antivan brandy. The least the pirate could do was to join her. "How is she?" Sebastian stood up and offered his place to Hawke. The light faded on Merrill's hands as if hearing Hawke calmed her down and Eva sat down, leaning the mage in her arms, hushing her as if it was a young Bethany, just awoken from a nightmare.

Anders shook his head."Not good. She was panicking and something was causing her magic to react. I can't heal her when she does that. Hawke."

Isabela watched Hawke and Merrill and glanced over at Fenris. She knew he had a thing for Eva and had slept with her years earlier. Hawke had been hurt at the way he had ran out after the one night stand, making excuses. Judging by the look on the man's face, he _knew_ it was too late. _That's what you get for not taking your chances where you find them_ , thought Isabela. Lately, she had been … comforting the elf. So long as he left her bed before first light, neither of them had any complaints.

Isabela, never comfortable around sickness stood up. "Why don't I go see what delights Oriana has made for us. Fenris?" She shifted her eyes to the door. The elf looked like the most uncomfortable man in the room and after a moment he walked towards the door. Isabela wondered about making the most of the brandy. She knew where Hawke kept a spare bottle for Isabela-shaped emergencies.

Now that Merrill had calmed down and was just whimpering from the pain, Anders continued to heal the woman. He may not like the woman or agree with her use of blood magic but from what the others had said, she had not _used_ blood magic on this occasion. Anders frowned. Had the dalish woman been part of the Circle, she would know not to use such a highly aggressive spell against a shield spell. But Dalish never went to the Circle and right now, both of them were apostates in the eyes of the Chantry.

The rawness of the burns started to heal across her arms. Her hands though... Anders was not sure there was enough lyrium in all the lyrium mines to fully cure her hands. Anders sat down, feeling light-headed from the healing. "Hawke, thats all can I do for now."

Hawke lay Merrill back down on the bed and covered her over. "Why don't you go lie down on my bed for a while, Anders. You don't look like you've had a decent amount of sleep in ages. I'll stay with her and let you know if anything happens."

He nodded then left, Sebastian also saying he needed to get back to the Chantry. Hawke put her hand on Merrill's shoulder and sat down to maintain the vigil for her friend, with only her thoughts for company.

* * *

The stench of the tainted man turned her stomach. It was as if it leached through his skin, surrounding the air around him. As he reached out to touch her face, Merrill flinched. Tamlen shook his head. "Merrill you disappointment me. You know I always had a soft spot for the First, even if you never liked me."

"You were my friend's bondmate, Tamlen! You never showed the slightest interest in me and Lyna would have been hurt by you saying that." Merrill's voice was shrill as she tried to back away from him.

"Lyna... " His eyes clouded over for a moment as if not seeing Merrill in front of him. "She could have come with me, instead of staying behind. She was tainted too. Had she been holding my hand when I came through the Eluvian, she would have been here too."

Merrill grew angry at his words. "Lyna did the right thing. She left the Clan, had her taint cured by the Grey Wardens and stopped a _Blight_ , dying in the process. If they'd found you, you could have gone with her."

He laughed and pulled away, walking backwards and forwards in front of her. "She stopped a _Blight_ did she? If she knew what I know... That Blight, as you call it was simply the Battle, not the War. There are more to come. The Archdemon - that was a young Archdemon. There are others, plotting and scheming on how to use the Eluvian to bring forth others." Merrill's heart sank. Her friend had died for no reason if that was the case.

"No! You lie! Lyna did the best she could and many people remember her actions!" She struggled against the vines and the thorns winding round her arms, hissing at the feel of the thorns cutting her skin open. She struggled to lift her hand up, wanting to use the magic she possessed on this tainted being in front of her who was only a shell of who he had been. His tattoos were barely visible.

"Tamlen, you are tainted, you should not even live!" Surely it would be a mercy to use her magic on something that should no longer be here?

He smirked and walked over to her, as if knowing what she was trying to achieve. "Try it, Merrill. Just remember it was your magic that brought you here now, how you lost your clan. You try to kill me and see what happens!"

Anger took over and she slammed a blast of force into his body. He went backwards and hit the floor. By now her muscles were screaming out to be released, blood dripping to her feet. Just as she thought she had knocked him out, he sat up and walked towards her. "Is that all you have these days, _falon_? Perhaps your time with the Shemlen is having a bad effect on your magic." By rights, he should have been more badly affected than this. At least render the man unconscious while she pondered her next move.

"Let me go!" Her voice sounded pitiful as pain showed in her voice.

"I don't have you tied down, Merrill. This is all your own doing. The vines you see here are all of your own making." He traced a hand down her arm and showed her the blood that was gathering, his hand coated wet with her blood. "I thought you liked using your own blood as part of your magic." Wiping his hands, together he merely smiled.

"Give it up Merrill. You have no idea of the things I've seen while I've travelled using the Eluvian. You would love it there. You would be treasured not vilified for your magic, like you are here and with the Clan. Lets face it, Merrill. No one ever trusted your actions - not after Lyna left."

Merrill looked up at him, curious at his words. He was right, of course. Lyna was the only person in the Clan who trusted her. The Keeper kept her because she had a talent for magic and she respected that... Trust waned after she used blood magic. Hawke was the only other person who trusted her. _No, don't believe him. He wants to trick you, to use your magic or the Eluvian you possess in some way._

Merrill suddenly felt torn in two directions.

* * *

Eva felt a hand on her shoulder and she groaned awake. "Merrill!"

"Daisy's right here, Hawke. Right where you left her." Varric's voice would have come over easy and carefree to anyone who didn't know the dwarf as well as Eva did. Yet she heard the note of worry in his tone as he pulled up a chair next to her. Looking at Merrill she realised her colour was starting to return. The elf no longer had a greyish tinge to her skin that had scared Hawke on the way back from the Wounded Coast. Pulling the blanket up to keep her friend's bare arms warm, Eva held her bandaged hand, more for her sake than for Merrill's.

"Hawke, Isabela sent me a message, said Daisy was unconscious but I didn't expect this." He frowned. As Eva explained the story of what had happened to her spells, a story she had told too many times that day, she saw the early morning light peak through the curtains. It had only been a full day since they had got back from the coast so Merrill had been out for a full two days but it felt longer.

"I'm concerned she'll have permanent scarring from this, Varric."

He paused and appraised his friend. "Hawke, she'll live. I think she's a tougher creature than you give her credit for. She's no longer that naive dalish who needed a ball of twine to make her way round the city." He chuckled at the memory. "Sometimes I think you protect her too much. And if she _does_ have scars, well, she'll find her own way to live with them."

Merrill seemed to twitch in her sleep and grip her hand, Eva blinked in surprise, a reminder of how much strength the woman had. "Perhaps I do. Just with what happened to Bethany and Carver as well as my mother, I don't want to lose anyone else." Her sadness was never far away at the thought of losing people, feeling responsible for every single death, for Bethany having to become a Warden or to die from the taint.

"Ah Hawke," Varric replied, sighing as Oriana came into stoke the fire in the grate that had got too low. "I wish I could tell you that nothing like that will ever happen again, that people you love won't leave you. You and I know that would be a lie. But from what Daisy here told me, you are the best friend she has ever had. And just like me, and the broody elf and Red.. There would have to be a good reason to leave you."

Hawke gave his friend a small smile, trying hard not to cry as Anders came back in, looking more refreshed to continue his work. Varric put his hand on her shoulder. "I'll go and see if I can find something to drink. Oriana usually has a cake on the go that would go perfectly with a cup of tea."

"But its morning!" Eva blinked and rounded incredulously.

"Perfect time for cake. I might even bring you a tea up." He smirked and walked off.

The silence was uncomfortable as Anders continued to heal the scars. The scars on her shoulders and along her collarbone would not leave a permanent mark at least. Eva recognised the colour of the redness against her friends skin, how deep the scars seemed to go. However further down, she was not impressed by the depth of the scars from the elbow onwards.

"How is she, Anders?" He sighed and stopped healing her. Every now and then, whether reacting to something in the Fade or the pain from the healing, she would whimper like a kicked puppy and that was what she was hearing right now.

"She's healing much better than I thought." He paused and sat down where Varric had sat earlier. "Look, Hawke - _Eva._ I'm sorry about what I said to you when you came back with Merrill. I was concerned she'd used blood magic as her standard attack. But from what you and Sebastian had said I was wrong - sorry ok?"

Eva let go of her friends hand. "I'm sorry too. I said some rude things and I took my worry about losing Merrill out on you." She gave him a smile. "You're the best healer I know and I know I pulled you away from the clinic for this. Perhaps I can help out sometime if you need it, extra set of hands and all of that."

"That would be good. I better get going and head back to the clinic and see what emergencies have happened in my absence. You know how to take care of her but I'll be back later on. If anything unusual happens, send Bodahn to fetch me." He stretched his long legs as he got out of the chair. Kissing her on the cheek, he said, "Get some rest yourself, Hawke. The bed's free now anyhow." Grinning he picked up his staff and headed off to his day job.

A few minutes passed before Varric came in - carrying a tray. "I saw Blondie had gone so I thought I'd bring you food up. This is a one time thing, Hawke, so no expecting maid service again." There was two cups of milky tea and a plate of bread and butter.

Eva grinned at Varric as she started to eat."Oriana knows me far too well. Sometimes, when I'm not eating properly, all I crave is fresh bread and butter. I know she dislikes it but would rather I had something than nothing."

"So when are you going to tell her?" Varric asked carefully as Hawke ate.

"Oriana, that she makes great bread and butter? I tell her every time she makes it." Eva tried to act innocent, knowing the damn dwarf knew her far too well.

"Nooo, Daisy here. When are you going to tell her that you think of her as more than friends?" Varric's eyes watched her carefully, waiting for her response."I know you've stopped hurting over Fenris filling the Riviani's bed now and then."

She shrugged stiffly."They're adults, Varric. It's up to them what they do."

He didn't want to say the oddly twisted reason the elf did it was because he still cared for Eva and he could see how badly he'd hurt her and was trying to get her attention. So far, unsurprisingly he was failing. Isabela told him this once, during a drinking session.

"Stop changing the subject, Hawke." He growled and sipped at his tea.

Eva frowned and looked at Merrill."She doesn't feel the same about me so why confuse things?"

"And you know this because...?" Varric asked with a twinkle in his eye."You tried it once with Fenris, Hawke."

"And look where it got me." _What if Merrill does the same thing?_ Hawke did not need to say it, Varric would know where she was going with this.

"Try it. If I'm wrong you can fire Bianca. Once. While I hold her."

"You're on." Hawke grinned

* * *

Merrill found herself feeling weak, her knees starting bend as she stood there, the blood loss making her feel dizzy. She wondered what Hawke would have done by now. Her friend would probably have slit Tamlen's throat and cut her out of there by now. Perhaps having Hawke here was not such a great idea after all. _Hmm._ Yet she hated feeling so damn vulnerable and helpless. At least her magic gave her a chance to right the odds stacked against her.

Tamlen watched her and even though she closed her eyes, she knew his eyes bored into her. Certain he would not kill her as he wanted something from her she did not expect him to be so close when she opened her eyes again. Placing his lips against her ear, he whispered, "Don't tell me you don't love the idea of being treated well. I saw the way people treated you. Being the First made you different, a freak. They would think you a goddess with your abilities. They want people like you, like us." He ran a finger under her chin as if to lift it to look into his eyes. She saw that he no longer had the same eyes. It was as if she could view the thing that was within him and that combined with the aroma of devastation, churned her stomach.

Merrill pulled herself as far back as she could, thorns ripping her skin again. "You're no longer you, Tamlen. I don't know what you are but you're not the hunter I remember." Her voice warbled as she tried not to lose her temper. It was important she not lose control of the situation any further or she could end up inside the Eluvian.

He laughed. "I was weak, Merrill. I was controlled by a clan that only had its stories to believe in, stories from a past no-one remembered. The Hahren and the Keeper wanted us under their control Merrill. Don't you think thats why you left? Your blood magic gave you freedom."

She frowned, dizziness suddenly leaving her. "How do _you_ know about my blood magic? I didn't use it in front of anyone until you'd gone through the Eluvian."

Tamlen rested his hand next to her head, leaning over her far too close for her comfort. The old Tamlen would never have done anything like this - to any woman. "How do you think I knew about the Eluvian, my dear, sweet, innocent Merrill." He emphasised each description of her and the stench of taint and decay made her choke and cough. "Even broken, the mirror has a residue of power. I even saw you when you fell asleep, head on your books in that hovel you called home."

Eyes watering as he moved away, she stopped coughing. "You lie! There must be some other way that you know. Have you seen Lyna, did she tell you?" She hated the idea of being watched in her own home. Surely the mirror did not have power when broken? _Though a broken mirror still holds a reflection. That doesn't change, da'len._ She wondered just when her internal voice had started to sound like Keeper Marethari.

"I've not seen Lyna before I changed and became who I am now." Strangely enough, she believed him though she had absolutely no reason to.

Sighing she knew she had to ask the question. "So you've been spying on me. Why?"

"Oh, Merrill. You have a talent and here in the city of the Shem, in an Alienage. Even with that Shemlen friend of yours, you are still just an elf. In all the time you've been there, tell me why are you still in the Alienage?"

"Because at least I would be among other elves-"

"-who treat you like a freak, Merrill." He finished off her sentence.

"No, they just keep their distance." _Like the Clan did._ Her voice was starting to sound less convincing to her own ears.

"You and I deserve better, Merrill and you know it. On the other side, I am treated so well. The way the rich humans are treated here, the aristocracy." His words purred and as he leaned over she stiffened, not wanting his kiss or him to touch her. "I always had a thing for you Merrill. Always."

"Then why were you with Lyna? Why did you chose her and not me?" She did not really care. She had not had a crush on Tamlen and she was sure the real person had barely seen her. Now Tamlen wanted or needed her magic which meant 'They' he kept referring to, found her magic useful. Indeed her Walking bomb spell and some of the other spells she had learnt since using blood magic would be very advantageous in the wrong hands. Like Darkspawn. And all this time they had been watching her while she tried to repair the Eluvian...

"It was expected of me, Merrill. You know how the Clan works. But being with Lyna meant I got to spend time in your company too." Lyna had been her best friend from childhood. Even when Marethari chose her as her First, Lyna did not back off or let her friend go. The only time she let go was when she joined the Wardens. Her friend had been one of the bravest people she knew. Never scared of Shemlen who visited the camp, she was also a good huntress. Merrill was sure the tales of her and her companions who travelled Fereldan to gather an army to fight the Blight were true. Dying to save her friends. That would be so like her.

It was time for her to be brave. As Tamlen turned his back on her, she used a particularly large thorn to slice her hand open, blood dripping down her palm, blood that was intended for this purpose. "I'm sorry Tamlen. I can't go with you." Feeling the vines drop away, she cast Deep Wounds - at the Eluvian. The mirror shattered into many pieces, falling round them like blossom.

"What did you... NO!" Tamlen ran over to the Eluvian, few pieces remaining in the frame of the mirror. "No! You bitch! Why did you do that? Don't you know I can't leave here?" The panic in his voice almost made her sorry for her actions but this was for the right reasons.

"Tamlen, you should have died when you went through into that mirror. You are a tainted man." His legs collapsed beneath him and it seemed as though his body was finally being consumed by the taint, as if the inhabitants of that mirror were now unable to keep him alive. Laying back, his body propped up by the stairs, Merrill sat next to him and held his hand as the light faded in his eyes. It did not take long for his breathing to stop, whatever was still part of Tamlen to leave him.

" _Dareth shiral_ , Tamlen." Merrill said sadly, as she let go of his hand and closed his eyes. She hoped this had freed his soul in some way. Sighing, she walked over to the door and stepped out into the fresh air.

* * *

 _A month later._

"Merrill?" Hawke stepped into the room to find Merrill stood in front of the mirror. Since the mage had been injured, she had almost lived in Leandra's room. Even when she was mostly recovered, she asked Hawke if she could stay longer. Eventually she told her the full story of the time in the Fade. What had happened with the man who had been pulled through into the mirror. Although not real in the full sense of the word, Merrill was sure it had happened and she was scared of going back to her house alone in case what Tamlen had said was true. Plus, if she had fixed the mirror fully, the potential havoc she could cause did not bear thinking about.

Merrill gave her a small smile. "I'm fine, Hawke."

They had moved her belongings out of the Alienage, part of the study taken over with Merrill's books. All that remained was this damn mirror. Eva unstrapped the large two handed sword from her back, she handled it as if she was going to hit a darkspawn. Merrill put her hand on her arm.

"No, Hawke. I need to do this." Hawke paused - then handed it over to Merrill, pondering if perhaps Varric was right. She tried to protect people when they just didn't need protecting.

Standing back, she watched as Merrill used the sword to smash the glass. By the fourth time. the sword was bouncing off the frame. "Enough."

Merrill flung the sword to one side and hissed. "Let's get out of this hovel." Varric had arranged for someone he knew to 'dispose' of the Eluvian for a pretty sum. Besides, the mirror was no good without the glass.

Hawke pulled her in for a hug, knowing Merrill was trying to be brave. "Let it go, Merrill. You spent a long time working on it. Perhaps this is for the best." As her friend cried, she kissed her forehead gently.

Hawke knew she never would get to fire Bianca but some things were worth sacrificing.

* * *

 _NB: I wrote this, assuming that Merrill and Lyna Mahariel were friends and that Lyna and Tamlen would have been more than friends and had they both stayed with the Dalish, things would have been different. Sorry to those people who read this and are huge Tamlen fans but I believe that he would not have been the same man as he was when he went through the mirror._

 _Thank you so much to the artist for making such a gorgeous piece of art!_

 _The Elven vocabulary used:_

 _Aneth ara - A greeting among Dalish_

 _Dareth shiral - Safe Journey_

 _Falon - Friend_

 _Da'len - Little child_


End file.
